quiet_tiger (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
quiet_tiger) wrote2011-11-02 09:06 pm
quiet_tiger) wrote2011-11-02 09:06 pm
Ficlet: Batman Hates Field Trips
Title: Batman Hates Field Trips
Author: Quiet Tiger
Universe: General
Genre: CRACK
Rating: PG
Characters/Pairings: Batman, Superman
Word Count: 429
Warnings: None
Summary: A trip off-world results in Batman in a bind.
Note: For![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
batfic_contest theme "Web."
~*~
Batman hated off-world missions.
Fighting supervillains was hard enough on Earth, let alone strange planets.
Strange planets that had strange side effects on his friends.
One second he was showing Superman a strange fushcia-colored rock, and the next Kal was transforming, sprouting legs and fangs, ripping through his costume, and Batman found himself wrapped up in thick webbing.
Not only wrapped up, but hanging upside down while Superman—man-sized Superspider—happily spun a huge web.
The “happily” part was conjecture, but seemed to be pretty accurate, if the peculiar humming was any indication.
“Superman.”
No response from the spider.
“Kal.”
Nothing but more web spinning.
Not only was the situation embarrassing, awkward, and unfortunate, it was also dangerous. The Justice League was on this planet for a reason, and everyone had teamed up for simple reconnaissance before strategizing against the alien threat, and Batman could be discovered any second.
Trying to wriggle free from the webbing, it took a moment for Batman to realize something had changed. The Superspider wasn’t humming, and it wasn’t weaving. It was instead climbing slowly in his direction. Multiple eyes and fangs inched closer towards him, looking at him hungrily.
This was extremely not good.
Batman wriggled harder.
Just as Superspider’s front legs reached Batman, a laser blast shot through the webbing behind the spider, causing it to startle. Realizing what was happening, Batman ordered, “Stop firing! That’s Superman!”
No more laser blasts followed, but a confused Flash asked, “Huh?”
“Kryptonite. New kind. Apparently causes metamorphosis. We can discuss it more thoroughly after you get me down..”
~*~
Fortunately for all of them, the effects of the fuschia Kryptonite wore off by the next day. Superman avoided Batman as much as he could, until Batman forced a confrontation in between battles.
“It’s okay, Kal. You can’t help what Kryptonite does to you.”
“But I was going to eat you!”
“Drink me.”
“Whatever.”
“But you didn’t.”
“But I wanted to. And I couldn’t help it. It was just part of what I was for that time.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
Kal looked so earnest as he asked, “Are you sure?”
“Yes. Considering how often you’ve almost heat-visioned me to death, I’m fine.” Now Kal looked even more sheepish, and Batman couldn’t take it anymore. “It’s fine. Let’s just do what we came here to do.”
“Sounds good.” Kal nodded in determination, and they joined the rest of the team.
And almost got fried by Green Lantern as he lost control of his powers. “This stupid atmosphere is screwing with my ring!”
Batman really hated off-world missions.
Author: Quiet Tiger
Universe: General
Genre: CRACK
Rating: PG
Characters/Pairings: Batman, Superman
Word Count: 429
Warnings: None
Summary: A trip off-world results in Batman in a bind.
Note: For
batfic_contest theme "Web."~*~
Batman hated off-world missions.
Fighting supervillains was hard enough on Earth, let alone strange planets.
Strange planets that had strange side effects on his friends.
One second he was showing Superman a strange fushcia-colored rock, and the next Kal was transforming, sprouting legs and fangs, ripping through his costume, and Batman found himself wrapped up in thick webbing.
Not only wrapped up, but hanging upside down while Superman—man-sized Superspider—happily spun a huge web.
The “happily” part was conjecture, but seemed to be pretty accurate, if the peculiar humming was any indication.
“Superman.”
No response from the spider.
“Kal.”
Nothing but more web spinning.
Not only was the situation embarrassing, awkward, and unfortunate, it was also dangerous. The Justice League was on this planet for a reason, and everyone had teamed up for simple reconnaissance before strategizing against the alien threat, and Batman could be discovered any second.
Trying to wriggle free from the webbing, it took a moment for Batman to realize something had changed. The Superspider wasn’t humming, and it wasn’t weaving. It was instead climbing slowly in his direction. Multiple eyes and fangs inched closer towards him, looking at him hungrily.
This was extremely not good.
Batman wriggled harder.
Just as Superspider’s front legs reached Batman, a laser blast shot through the webbing behind the spider, causing it to startle. Realizing what was happening, Batman ordered, “Stop firing! That’s Superman!”
No more laser blasts followed, but a confused Flash asked, “Huh?”
“Kryptonite. New kind. Apparently causes metamorphosis. We can discuss it more thoroughly after you get me down..”
~*~
Fortunately for all of them, the effects of the fuschia Kryptonite wore off by the next day. Superman avoided Batman as much as he could, until Batman forced a confrontation in between battles.
“It’s okay, Kal. You can’t help what Kryptonite does to you.”
“But I was going to eat you!”
“Drink me.”
“Whatever.”
“But you didn’t.”
“But I wanted to. And I couldn’t help it. It was just part of what I was for that time.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
Kal looked so earnest as he asked, “Are you sure?”
“Yes. Considering how often you’ve almost heat-visioned me to death, I’m fine.” Now Kal looked even more sheepish, and Batman couldn’t take it anymore. “It’s fine. Let’s just do what we came here to do.”
“Sounds good.” Kal nodded in determination, and they joined the rest of the team.
And almost got fried by Green Lantern as he lost control of his powers. “This stupid atmosphere is screwing with my ring!”
Batman really hated off-world missions.
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Thanks for reading and commenting!
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Yep, off-world missions seem to be quite a downer for all of them.
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Glad you liked it, thanks for reading and commenting!
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Thanks for reading and commenting!
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The “happily” part was conjecture, but seemed to be pretty accurate, if the peculiar humming was any indication.
It's just that wonderful sort of "I suppose technically I don't know he's happy, because alien spider non-verbals might be different from the ones I'm used to, but based on the available evidence..." that cracks me up so much. That's Bruce, never taking deductive short-cuts even when his teammate might be about to have him for lunch...
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Bruce doesn't take short cuts! Even if Kal were eating him, he'd still be absorbing and analyzing data as he tried to fight back.
Thanks for reading and commenting!
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Poor Batman. Those off-world missions never end well for him.
Next time I meet a spider IRL, I will combat my severe phobia by thinking "OK, it's just Clark under the influence of fuchsia-Kryptonite".
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It's just Clark! Try not to be afraid! :)
Thanks for reading and commenting!
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I was gonna eat you.
Drink me.
Perfect, b/c Batman would care about the difference!
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Batman would totally care! Given different circumstances he'd probably really enjoy studying the Superspider!
Thanks for reading and commenting!
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Thanks for reading and commenting!