Smallville

[quiet_tiger]

I don't know the name of last night's Smallville episode.

Anyone mind if I call it "Suckfest"?

Wow.

Okay, so this episode wasn't quite as bad as Spell, Recruit, Sacred, Ageless, or that god-awful meteor rock plastic surgery thing from the beginning of season 4.

But.  That's really, really not a compliment, because if there *were* an episode as bad as those, I'm giving up on the show.  Not that my comments make it seem like I enjoyed the show or anything.

I guess I'll just go chronologically as I usually do:

Tri Psi.  Tri Psi.  I mean, really, you can't get closer to calling it "Tri Pi," as in the cheerleader sorority in Sorority Boys starring Michael Rosenbaum without actually calling it Tri Pi.  They tried so much in this episode to do all these weird tie ins.  *WHY?*  It was just aggravating and distracting, like Clark's little JLA dig last week.

We get it.  You're (somehow) going to be Superman.

So, it begins with three vamp chicks with the pizza guy in the hot tub.  One vamp chick goes under the water and presumably bites him.  Um, where?!  He seemed pretty happy until she bit him.  I guess no one ever told her not to use teeth.  Okay, okay, that was a really bad fellatio joke.  Work with me here.  Pretty racy by Smallville standards, me thinks, since it wasn't Lana being the slutty one at that point (I mean, it is *okay* by the show's standards for Lana to be slutty, but not anyone else, right?).

Lana explains to Clark that Met U has astronomy classes, which is one reason why she wants to go there.  First of all, since when does Lana like astronomy?  Her parents were KILLED by meteors, and thenceforth she doesn't seem to have looked towards the stars at all.  Not that astronomy is only about stars of course, though the only way to really learn that is by taking the course.  Holy physics, Batman!  (Dude, if they ever *could* bring Bruce Wayne into the show, I'd fear for how they're screw him up- make him blonde, and happy, and short or something).  Also, I assume that Metropolis is a huge city, being named Metropolis and all.  Meaning that light pollution must be awful.  Kansas Whatever the Hell College where Clark goes probably has much clearer skies at night for things like looking at stars and using telescopes for labs and stuff.

And yeah, I used "thenceforth" in a sentence.  I do that sometimes.

Stupid cross-reference number two: Chloe writing the article using the name "Buffy Saunders" (or whatever it was).  Does "Buffy" as a show exist in Smallville's world?  Or as a movie?  Book?  Legend?  Folktale?  Because if not, then it just sounds weird for Chloe to choose that name over a name that's less stupid sounding.  Though I guess Erin the Vampire, or Joan the Vampire, or Anastasia the Vampire doesn't have quite the same ring to it.  (And yeah, "Joan" as in Buffy's name of choice in Tabula Rosa- see, AlMiles?  I can do it, too!!).

*goes to answer ringing phone*  *comes back*  Sorry, that was just my Reality Check calling, reminding me that I'm talking about Smallville and therefore nothing has to make sense, continuity doesn't exist, and Kalell is the son of Jerelle.

So, big surprise, Lana is the one pledging chick who is "excellent all over."  Direct quote, people.  *hands out airsick bags*  AlMiles, we know you love Lana.  We really do.  You've been shoving her down our throats for FOUR YEARS.  I think we're all sick of it.  Except those weirdoes who actually like Lana.  They probably masturbate every time she's on the damn screen since they also think she's beautiful and wonderful and fine and whatever the hell else you've tried to tell us she is.  Me, I reach for Maalox.

Dumbest Line Ever on a Television Drama:  "We're Tri Psis.  The hottest vampires ever!"  Jesus fuck.  As if things weren't bad *enough* the dialogue has to get even worse.  There needs to be an Emmy category for this.  It'd be the only thing Smallville would ever win.

So, Lana gets vamped, and there was that little girl-on-girl shadow shot on the sheet or whatever that was.  Kinky.  I guess since KK or AlMiles didn't want an all-girl kiss, they had to be creative.  Kinda amatuer creativity, but creativity nonetheless.  Of course, Buffy could have CUT HERSELF ON THE WRIST, HAND, SHOULDER, THROAT, or anywhere else, and turning Lana into a bisexual would not have been necessary.  Not that I'm against the bisexualness, or whatever it was.  It was just more kinky Lananess, trying to make her into something more than a little girl.  Ick. (sidenote: people have been complaining forever that Lana has no chest, which I had never really noticed until this episode, when she was wearing a jean jacket or something and it just rested flat against her- I guess I just don't check out Lana enough.)

Mmm, Spike James Marsters.  I feel so, so bad for you.  You had to leave such great shows, and you were given Smallville.  But, you're still hot, even though your voice is really weirding me out.  Not the lack of the English accent, which you occasionally seem to slip into for a word or two, but the way you chomp down so hard on your "er" sounds.  And it's not just me, other people have noticed it, too.  It's weird.  And I feel so bad that they did this "Buffy" "Vampire" thing.  I'm sure it was meant to be cute.  But it was really just stupid.  Awesome action, though, pretending to be T-1000 from Terminator 2: Judgment Day.  Because of that movie I've never liked Robert Patrick.

I'm still loving the cute Chlark- his little superspeed windstorm was adorable.  Granted he was speeding to save Lana, but still.  He can expose himself to Chloe without it being a problem.  Um, you know what I mean.

Clark's Zorro outfit: anyone else think he looked like a huge geek as he smiled while wearing it?  It was just odd.  And oh, look, another anvil: Clark bitches about wearing a mask.  So, Clark, you like red and blue.  You don't like masks.  Your blankets are all red and cape-like.  We really, really get it.  It was cute at first.  For some reason it's just really annoying now.

So... let me get this straight... Clark actually chooses Chloe over Lana for once?  When Lana was all vamped and Chloe was sick?  Damn.  Maybe there's hope for Clark yet.

Um.

Right...

Meteor rock-affected vampire bats who have rabies?  *That's* what causes vampirism?  Where do I start...  First of all, reducing vampirism to meteor rocks is such a damn copout.  In a world (albeit in the future) where aliens are revered, men dressed in tight bright costumes are manly, teenagers fight crime more successfully than Navy SEALS, and one of the richest men in the country dresses like a damn bat and yet is considered God by a hell of a lot of people, is it really *that* hard to throw genuine vampirism a bone?  Either make them mythical vamps, or real life people vampires, or something else.  Meteor rocks were just so unnecessary.  Next: vampire bats.  Don't live in damn Kansas!!!!  Maybe, *maybe* a few errant ones from down south.  Maybe.  But, jeez, address it instead of sounding like morons.  *ignores page from Reality Check*  And... rabies?  You DIE from rabies.  Last time I checked, that's the exact opposite to immortality.  Like, really, the exact opposite end of the spectrum.  There are reasons why animals with rabies are feared.  Why people who contract the virus are given extremely painful injections to fight the virus.  Rabies doesn't make you a blooddrinker.  It makes you crazy and dead.

Lex knocked unconscious yet again.  How convenient.  He should start wearing a helmet.

And, the Lexana... please, God, no.  It's really quite frightening.  He's the one male on the show who wasn't in love with the Princess.  I can't believe Lex is letting her get to him.  God, Lex, go find some hot guy or chick to help you take your mind off her.  Get over it.  But she does have brown hair.  Holy fuck, can you imagine if there *is* bonafide Lexana, and he gives her a pair of diamond earrings?  How funny would that be?  (heh, reference to Bound and Lex's penchant for using girls and giving the earrings as a consolation prize, to those of you joining late).  Hang on, folks, Reality Check, who is a bedfellow of Continuity, is at the door, and he looks pissed at me.  Right, right, this is Smallville, there is no continuity.  So, at this rate he'd more than likely give her a diamond ring...

I'm sorry, but someone please help me out here.  Clark is "super" because his body, rather than being on the dense planet of Krypton bathed in the light from a red sun, is on Earth, bathed in a yellow sun.  He has his powers due to this change in electromagnetic energy.  Right?  Granted I'm not really sure how heat vision fits into all that, but how did Lana get heat vision by drinking Clark's blood?  Worse, how did she get *control* of his heat vision?  Clark set half of Smallville on fire before he got control of it.  Why was she able to use it so quickly?  *ducks a punch from Reality Check*

I really liked that the episode ended on a Chloe note for once.  And I liked Chloe's little sidestory.  She can make it without Lionel's help, provided her new boss tones down the bitchiness a bit.  And was it implied that Chloe and Lana are now roommates?  It's not like *that's* gonna cause Clark/Smallville-related tension.

And... next week... a strip joint?

A... Strip.  Joint.

I have no words.  Other than WTF.  Slutty vampires.  A strip joint.  Really, could the show possibly be scraping the barrel any deeper?  It's bad when the witchprincesspossessionstone/element/artifactthing looks like genious.

Comments

[herohunter.livejournal.com]

I'll add:
Second murderdeathkill for Lana, who did not even blink at being a repeat killer???

Hmmm...but she's the princess, I get it!!!

[quiet--tiger.livejournal.com]

Haha! For some reason I never factor in that Lana is a MURDERER in my hatred for her. But, as you say, she's the Princess, so murder is okay. She'll never get accused, arrested, summoned to court, convicted, nothing. Maybe it's okay because she's always "posessed" whenever she kills?

Whatever. Any grip this show has on reality is weakening every episode.